Overcoming the Prejudices in Peru
Peru is a country of tradition, so there’s often a fiasco when someone breaks the norms. Overcoming the prejudices takes self-confidence and a strong belief in oneself. Ana tells us about her experiences and how she faces the discrimination.
They’ve been together for almost a year, yet Ana’s family and friends continue to show their disapproval. Most of the time she reacts in silence or doesn’t pay attention to what others say; other times, she defends herself by reminding the critics that it’s her life. “It’s most difficult with my family because their opinion matters to me,” she explains. “But in time, they’ll see that I’m happy.”
Her advice for people in a similar situation? Have patience and tolerance. “As women, we want to solve things,” she reflects. “But you can’t ‘fix’ another person.” Ana also notes that she and Deiby are the best of friends. “It’s less scary to say the difficult things if your relationship is also based on a friendship.”
How have you been different from the norm and how did you face the ensuing challenges?
P.S. This post was scheduled — I’m still traveling and I’ll be back by early next week! I promise to respond to comments and give love to your blogs when I return! =)
Tags: ana santillán muñoz, culture peru, housewife huancayo, peruvian culture, peruvian relationships, peruvian tradition, prejudices peru, stereotypes peru
Adrienne
Wow, I'm the first one to comment this time! I'm loving that Samantha and I hope you are enjoying your time away.
I can relate to what she's going through. I actually had one of my best friends date and then marry two different guys (yes I said two) at least 15 years her junior. We thought she was nuts to be honest with you only because we were concerned about their maturity level. One of those marriages lasted over 12 years and produced a daughter and she's still married to the second one and they've been together seven years now. Who are we to tell others how to run their lives! I certainly don't like people telling me how to run mine.
I'm sure her family is just concerned and I would hope only want the best for her. I guess with time she'll show them. That's all she can do.
My recent post How To Start Working On Your Mindset
Samantha Bangayan
Wow! Fifteen years is a lot of years, but what amazing endings! =) I love how you say, "Who are we to tell others how to run their lives!" =) Thank you so much for sharing about your best friend! This is so motivating! =)
Kim Davies
Hi, Sam.
I am happy to know that you are still on vacation and really taking the time to be away instead of checking on your blog once in a while.
I understand what you mean about prejudices, Sam. That is so rampant where I live. That has even happened to me although I could not really tell you about it without saying something about myself that I am not yet in the liberty to divulge. Suffice it to say that I prevailed against these prejudices and followed my heart.
There is nothing wrong with going against the norms, as long as you are not really hurting someone physically. It is hard to avoid hurting someone emotionally when you do this though because every time you try to overcome prejudices, you end up hurting the people who set up those rules in the first place and those almost always include your loved ones.
I hope things will look up for Ana soon. Parents and families need to understand that in love and life, what matters most is the heart and happiness. Other things fade in comparison to these. 🙂
Samantha Bangayan
Turns out, being really, truly away has been refreshing, but totally intimidating to catch up with everything now that I'm back! =P Eek! Sorry for this late reply!
I'm totally inspired by how you say that you followed your heart. That's what counts and what's most valuable. =)
Interesting way for you to put it — that overcoming prejudices means hurting those who make them. =( That's exactly what happens and being from Asian families, I'm sure you can understand how there are prejudices and expectations from our elders.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, friend! =)
ParkCityRealEstate
Some of this prejudices are still part of being conservative. If other people are too narrow minded, let's just understand them and don't let them ruin your happiness. I hope Ana is happy right now.
My recent post A Great House in Old Town
Samantha Bangayan
Thanks so much for your comment, Scott! It's so great to meet you! And I truly apologize for taking so long to respond. =P I've really got to make it a habit, but you can be sure that you'll be seeing me at your blog soon! =)
It's so true that conservatism plays a role in this. The lifestyle here continues to be very traditional in many ways. The great part is that, from what I can see, Ana continues to be ecstatically happy! =)
penniej2
Prejudices in Latino countries are often deeply ingrained and based on hundreds of years of Catholic domination. Family pressure can be fierce. Your friend, Ana, has a lot to contend with – not just having a relationship with the younger man but the relationship itself as, I assume, they are living together, which is still frowned on in some Latino societies. Having done that myself back in the 60s in Mexico City, I can relate to what she is going through. I chose a "I don't give a damn!" attitude, and now, who does give a damn what happened then? She is doing the right thing for herself and don't let anyone deter her from thinking otherwise..
Samantha Bangayan
Ooh! Good point, Pennie! Conservatism and religion are strongly intertwined.
I've definitely had some people make comments about how Roy and I are convivientes without being married as well.
I am so inspired by your "I don't give a damn!" attitude and it blends well with something I read on my friend, Deeone's blog recently — he quoted someone who asked why we should change for people who wouldn't change for us. =P
Vinny T
I've consistently noticed a great deal of prejudice and racism among Peruvians. Although they generally love the Peru Negro style of music from Chincha and have a ball imitating the great movements of that genre, on a social level, I've observed that Peruvians really don't care for Blacks. When one of my Peruvian family members began to date a very nice young black lady, most of my other Peruvian relatives went ballistic and didn't want to have anything to do with her. I absolutely hated that response and treated that pleasant "negrita" with simple dignity and respect.
i guess i shamed most of my Peruvian family members because, before long, they started to treat her nicely too.
Samantha Bangayan
I've heard racist comments against African Peruvians as well. Thanks so much for bringing light to this story, Vinny. There seems to be a lot of ways that people butt into each others' business and show judgment here when it comes to relationships. I'm glad that you brought the dignity back to the term "negrita" and made change happen!
I actually haven't seen that prejudice in play yet. Roy's family has connected with some African Peruvians and they are very accepted! =)
Abe
Having replied to your related blog concerning Ana and now reading this one it would seem that she thrives on not living the norm. I applod her ability to break through the norm in her work place and establishing herself as a leader. No dought her vision, fortitude and expectation of self has prepelled her into the dominion she has arrived.
It shouldn't matter if her partner is seven years younger then she is. But it hasn't even been a year yet, to soon to call it a long term relationship. Their life together is still a novilty. They are still getting to know eachother and may or may not have figured out if they are on the same path together. I really like this quote "No other success can compensate for failier in the home" I wish them both a life time of happiness.
Samantha Bangayan
Ana is definitely someone who carves her own path! =) It's true that everything's still new and they are on a bumpy ride. Nevertheless, it seems like they are learning to communicate well and I also wish them "a lifetime of happiness." I wish this for you too, Abe! =)
wedding favors
Prejudices are just human insecurities. They could not just accept to themselves that you have that kind of person.But if he is the one that your heart shouts, fight for it. Time will come that they will learn to accept and love him as a new member of the family.
Samantha Bangayan
Ooh! Great insight, Ann! In fact, prejudices are exactly what happen when we voice those insecurities.
I love how you say, "fight for it!" That's so motivating to me! =) And it really speaks to the kind of person you are too! =) I really admire you!
Sherry Zander
Breaking from the norm always makes people uncomfortable. It's interesting that even scientific breakthroughs experience difficulty in gaining acceptance with the scientific community. It's common in person and professional circumstances, but breaking the norm takes courage and intestinal fortitude. Good for Ana for following her heart and her intellect. The balance of the two always guide us to the right place.
Samantha Bangayan
That's a solid comparison, Sherry! The unfamiliar and unexpected in any field or form is scary! Ooh! I always love your tidbits of advice. I'm building courage, but I didn't know about this "intestinal fortitude" bit for tackling the challenges in life. I'll have to work that second one. =)
Hilda
I can totally relate what she going through. I understand that Ana wants the support from her family because she grew up with them, but when it comes to being a non-conformist, your' not gonna get what you want. It's something you have to accept and move on, life is not perfect, if you break the rules, don't expect other's to be supportive about it. In fact, she probably have people jealous and intimidated by her success. There is nothing she can do to change people's opinions or thoughts about her. All there is to do, is hold your head up high and move on.
My recent post Is Wine Tasting for the Birds??
Samantha Bangayan
Ooh! I had a feeling that you'd be able to relate to this somehow with all the craziness you have to deal with when it comes to your "needy" parents, as you say. =P
It's definitely a risk to "break the rules," but one that seems worthwhile when it comes to something that you believe in. Thanks so much for the sage words of wisdom, Hilda!! =) You always know what to say! =)
Chris Jones
You can't put limits on love. It's the greatest force known to man. I applaud her for standing up for what and who she believes in. If he makes her feel like the woman she was created to be who can speak against it? Tradition is what cost Princess Diana her life. Had Charles been allowed to marry his true love – Camilla – to begin with, the fiasco surrounding their marriage would have been avoidable. The sad irony of it all is that he's with Camilla now anyway.
Love is sacred and special. It is not for others to tell us whom e are to love or give our being. It's a connection we have to make.
Samantha Bangayan
Chris, you always use the best examples! And now I am also thoroughly awed by the snippets of wisdom that so naturally come out of you. =) "You can put limits on love." — I'll always remember this one. =) Just as you describe, love is something so valuable and special that is between the lover and the beloved — no one else!
Deeone
Hope your travels have gone smoothly, Samantha. And that everything is already paved out for you and yours.
Well, it's safe to say that my relationship is a bit abnormal. Being an openly gay black man, with a white partner for 4 years now who happens to be 12 years my senior; we tend to turn heads when we enter a room. I've had personal experiences where I have cut myself out of people lives, or either I cut back, because people weren't able to accept him or me. Happiness is so hard to find, and when you find it, its human nature to question it. That's when the relationship needs to be stronger than the adversity it will face. If that's the case, then whatever occurs the parties involved will be able to withstand.
Samantha Bangayan
Wow! Your dedication to a relationship that evidently means so much to you is thoroughly inspiring, Deeone! That's the kind of commitment and faith I want to have in my own relationship.
I'm reflecting on what you said about how happiness is hard to find and that it's human nature to question when we find it. In learning from you, I'm realizing that the doubt grows because we often feel unworthy.
Thanks for encouraging me to share your strength, Deeone!
cath
I say more power to a well balanced young woman who knows what she wants in life!
My recent post sugared sand
Samantha Bangayan
Beautifully said, Cath! =) To well-balanced women!! =)
Janet Callaway
Sam, aloha. Hat tip to Ana. As you already know, it is my feeling that each of us should live the life that is right for us. We all see, hear, appreciate and are inspired to do different things.
Life is not a once size fits all!
Thank heavens for that, Sam. In order to thrive, we need people who love doing different things. Each has something to contribute.
While I have lived my life not being the norm, quite honestly I did not pay much attention to others. Because I knew that I was the only one living my life, I always felt it was mine to with as I chose.
Look forward to reading about your travels. Until later, aloha. Janet
My recent post CHAINED by Janet Callaway | The Natural Networker
Samantha Bangayan
Janet, those are such wise, wise words: "We all see, hear, appreciate and are inspired to do different things." It's such a beautiful tribute to the uniqueness in each one of us.
Wow! I'm realizing that the stereotype of people who break the norms is that they are rebels in the most negative connotation of the word, but you are someone who bashes that stereotype to the ground. I'm inspired by how you can be so sweet and kind, but at the same time stand up for what you believe in! That's the kind of balance we all need in life. =) Thank you for being an inspiration, Janet!
Muriel
I can’t believe that people are so judgmental. Sometimes I wonder whether they take pleasure in bashing people who have found happiness. A 7-year gap is hardly a big deal for me. What is wrong with these people?
Samantha Bangayan
I know what you mean, Muriel! I really hope that there *aren’t* people in the world who take pleasure in tearing others down. =(
Joy
Why do people always think they are entitled to some form of input about how another should live his/her life? Ana’s advantage is that she strikes me as an independent-minded and strong-willed spirit so I’m happy that she is living her life the way she wants to. I had an interracial relationship before. He is British and 12yrs my senior!! Add to that the fact that we met online!!!! Can you imagine the horror I caused some family and friends? Especially in the Philippines where the norm is to end up with someone you already know or your family knows or your friend is friends with….someone part of your existing network somehow. I had to endure a lot but the bottomline is, you just have to be comfortable with your decision within yourself. If others see a seed of doubt in you, they will continue to feed on it. If they see that you have thought about it, decided on it and are firm with your choices, then they will eventually tire and leave you alone. THANKS for this ’empowered’ post, Sam! Good luck Ana and keep strong!!
Samantha Bangayan
You know, Joy, that’s what seems to make all the difference — you have the personality for it. I know of various friends and family members who have caved to society’s pressure and have chosen a “more acceptable partner.” Many claim that they are happy they listened to their parents. I always wonder about that.
I can totally imagine the “horror” you describe and I really appreciate you sharing this story of your fearlessness! It’s so true that the seed of doubt almost encourages more gossip and comments! Great piece of advice on bring firm, friend! Thank you!! =)
Tambre Leighn/coaching by tambre
It isn’t always easy to find someone who shares your core values and all the other important elements that make for a successful relationship. There was some resistance about my marrying my late husband by a few people as I was not Jewish and he was. I know that we were the perfect match for each other and we helped one another become more of who we were in our lives. So much joy, love, compassion, friendship and extraordinary moments would have been missed if we had worried about the opinions of others. I say, if you find true love, go for it…it may not be the picture we imagined but if it is love…that’s all that matters.
Samantha Bangayan
What a great point, Tambre! It’s already so hard to find “the one” that factors like age seem to fall by the wayside.
Wow! I always imagined that it was necessary for Jewish people to marry other Jewish people. I love this example you share of how perfect you were for each other despite that one difference. Thank you for your powerful message: “If you find true love, go for it. If it is love… that’s all that matters.” =)
Roberta Budvietas
Is this really just Peruvian prejudice. Parents and friends want the best for the their children and they think they know what is best. But life rarely is black and white and the adventures, love and joy we can miss when we allow others to dictate who we should friend, marry, or relate to is scary. If my parents had had there way, 40 years+ of happiness would not be in my history. Oh and he still makes me feel special and excites me, even when I am a b*tch.
Samantha Bangayan
Ooh! Great comparison, Roberta. I appreciate that my parents and friends want what’s best for me, but it gets tricky when they think they know what’s best for me. Ultimately, we know ourselves best, right?
Wow! What an amazing love story you have, Roberta. =) That’s why true love matters!! =)
Lynn Brown
This story is one I have read, heard and know of so many that unfortunately go through similar experiences. If it isn’t the parents not approving, its the brother or sister, or co-worker, etc. It really amazes me how others seem to think they know what is best for others. I wish we all could respect one another and let us go through our own experiences without the pressures from others.
I personally had the pressure of ‘when will I have another baby’… after I got married and we had our son within a year. Shortly after, family and friends would relentlessly say ‘you need to have another’, ‘when are you going to have another baby’…. always thinking they knew what was better for us.
I don’t think we as human beings will ever overcome the need to get into each others business. So I appreciate you sharing this story Samantha as it is a gentle reminder to us to look within and judge not others, but only ourselves.
Samantha Bangayan
That’s definitely what’s lacking, Lynn: respect for each other! There seems to be this strong pressure to keep each other “on track,” following the so-called normal stages of life. Great example about having a baby and then more babies. =P Sometimes I wonder if people bring these things up just as conversation starters. =P
Love that point! It’s a reminder to me too, to butt out of others’ business. =P I have enough to worry about in my own life. =P
Marie
It’s amazing how far we’ve come in prejudice and yet how far there is still to go.
Samantha Bangayan
Ooh! I love your reflection, Marie! I was just watching a football movie dealing with racism against African Americans in the game. We’ve definitely come a long way since then, but there is still so much prejudice and judgment in our day-to-day lives!
Thom Brown
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=295589860455116&set=a.120825547931549.20756.111070922240345&type=1
Samantha Bangayan
What an important message, Thom! Thank you for sharing that photo! =)
Bonnie Copeland
Standing in your own truth and light can be difficult. Isn’t it funny how while we can admire this trait in someone like your friends we have such a hard time finding the courage to do this ourselves. Ana gives such fabulous advice when she says to remember you cannot ‘fix’ someone else. You really can only change your responses. A terrific post about tolerance Samantha!
Samantha Bangayan
That’s such a great point, Bonnie! I guess that’s precisely why I admire certain people — because I wish I had their qualities! =) I mean, I’m working on adopting those qualities. =) Thanks for the feedback, friend!
Lalia
Kudos to Ana for not letting anyone tell her what her relationship should be. Seven years hardly seems like any big deal to me. Happiness is far more important!
Samantha Bangayan
Ooh! Love that, Lalia! “Happiness is far more important!” When you put it like that, it makes me wonder why I worry about others’ opinions at all. =P